When I was growing up, my mom used to tell me that I was beautiful. I remember her telling me frequently, ingraining it in my brain, perhaps so I could get through those hormone-laden teenage years liking the way I looked.
Problem was? I didn’t. I didn’t feel beautiful. I felt awkward. I was a little chubby; I had freckles all over the place. I had pale skin, yellow hair and huge feet. By 5th grade I was taller than the boys and that didn’t help matters at all. By my junior year in high school I weighed 150 when everyone else weighed 100. I wore baggy clothes and didn’t even try to make myself look pretty.
My friends? Now they were beautiful. They were skinny and tan and looked great in their clothes. They had boys who liked them, not just liked them. I was one of the guys and they were one of the girls. I wanted to be one of the girls.
Now that I am an grown, I can look back and see that I was a little awkward, but mostly OK. I hadn’t lost that round baby face yet, but that’s OK too. You grow out of it, and you grow up.
I never really believed my parents when they would tell me I was pretty. I distinctly remember asking my mom if this certain friend was pretty, if that certain friend was pretty. And her answer was always “Yes she is, but she’s not as pretty as you.”
I then thought that she was saying that just to make me feel good. “I know what she is doing”, I thought, “and I wish she wouldn’t.”
I now know that she truly did believe that. I can’t imagine looking at any girl, ever, and thinking that she is prettier than my Eden.
So how do I do it? How do I raise a daughter to love herself, inside and out? I can’t imagine anything that could have been done differently in my case; after all, my parents put me on a huge pedestal! But I still felt ugly and different and chubby and weird.
I wish I knew then what I know now. That freckles are cute. ‘Yellow’ hair is awesome. Being tall is cool (even if it does mean you get big feet also). And pale skin is.....just different. It’s not better and it’s not worse. It's just different.
I wanted a little girl so badly, but now that I have one, I find myself thinking of growing up and how hard it was to be a girl sometimes. I am scared for her and I am scared that I won’t be able to do a good job.
Boys aren’t nearly as hard to mess up.
5 comments:
You have ALWAYS been beautiful inside and out and I'm definitely not prejudiced!! I have watched you being a Mom, and regardless of boy or girl, you are the BEST! Your children prove that! In my case, girls were easier to raise than boys! One more thing, just pray that you can be as great a Mom as your own, but I have no doubt about that!!!!
Love - simply love. Mistakes will be made but if done in love then it will be OK. Self-esteem is the most important part of success - in everything!!! And you do give your kids praise and unconditional love!! Keep it up, mama!!!
I've known you since you were 6 or 7 years old and I never knew you felt that way about yourself. That breaks my heart. Well, I never thought you were weird, after all, I don't hang out with weird people! I loved you for who you are, freckles and all! You made me laugh and you were my friend and that's all that was important to me. Eden is very lucky to have a mom who is so in tune with the pressures she will be feeling while growing up. I'm certain she will be confident in herself. You are a wonderful mom!
I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY!!!! I am so glad you wrote that. I cried and laughed a little. You should know I always thought you were so pretty and so cool and was admittadly slightly jealous at times. The only advice I can give you being 5 years ahead of you with my daughter is listen when she talks to you about her other friends. Mikhala already tells me she wants to be as "skinny as Savanna" her bestie, and it BREAKS MY HEART!!!!! I am crying as I write this because you have known me practically my whole life and you know the struggles I have had with weight which of course leads to negative body image. I don't want that for my baby, I love her so much and she is so perfect and such an amazing gift to me.
Well after all that rambling, know that you are not alone. Also know that I agree with you , we have exceptional moms that did their very best to give us all the confidence in the world. And lastly, your child is so blessed to have you as a mom and I am so blessed to have you as a friend.
I've worried about the same thing for my daughter. One thing that's helped is having her focus on others instead of herself. For example, she went to a youth conference last summer. The group of middle and high school kids cleaned up trash in the projects of Birmingham and talked to kids about Jesus. For my daughter, it made her see the beauty in others and she focused less on herself. When you're busy loving others, it's hard to think about your own appearance. Not that she never struggles with it, but projects like that do help a lot. :)
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